Where should I start? Hi everyone sorry I haven't been on in so many moons shits been tough but I'm back
Had the worst panic attack in my left yesterday's the point of where I was LYEING on the ground Arms pulled up to my chest tears streaming down my face I couldn't hear anything I could barely see I felt like I couldn't breath but apparently I was heaving (breathing hard as fuck) what brought it up was my mother and my grandmother were fighting yesterday about money n how my grandmother is going to throw us out on the street so were homeless again, she keeps threatening to throw away everything I own and that she would bring cujoe to the pound and that weed be in a homeless shelter, I don't want to live on the street anymore I want a place to live no more moving no more being broke no more being scared for my life. I'm tired of being treated like crap by my own grandmother I'm done with her hitting me calling me names and tearing apart my room, so we went to the docks to get away for a while just to get out of her house, n it turned into my brother and sister pecking at me of my anxiety my sister apparently thinks I'm faking being gay because I have gay friends (that I'm copying them) but I'm not I'm a proud lesbian and I don't care if you like it or not, my brother decided to analyze everything that is wrong with me like making me explain why I self harm pulls my hair out n pick at my skin making me explain what ADHD even stands for what all of my other disabilities stand for I started to cry and they started yelling at me saying to me stay focused "god stop crying like a two year old" "why can't you ever act your age" "why can't you ever grow the fuck up" "everything is not about you" "no matter how much you want it to no one is going to be paying attention to you 24/7" "why can't you stay focused on something for more than two freaking seconds" I didn't know what to say I was so stressed I don't know why I'm like this I don't know what caused me to be born early I don't know why I had a brain bleed I DONT KNOW WHY IM LIKE THIS do you think I asked to be like this? Do you think I like living life as a retard not even being able to solve simple math? Doing so horrible in school to the point of where I'm not even trying any more because what's the point I'm never going to amounts to anything?
I've relapsed in self harm everyday for the past two weeks..... When does relapse become full blown back into self harm? I've missed my blades so much I've been so stressed with out them yesterday I wasn't able to cut because my family wouldn't leave me alone for more than two seconds so that's why I had such a horrible panic attack. I couldn't move they couldn't even calm me down correctly Ben was shaking me trying to get me to unfold my arms Samantha was yelling "stop crying" and mom was shaking my leg n saying my name over n over, them touching me And screaming just made it worse so I had to force my self out of the anxiety attack all by my self mom said I can't skip taking my meds on the weekend any more.. I can't think of anything else to write so if this is a
TL;DR I had good weekend pretty much boring